Aggression has many faces – and many causes. Where does rage originate? Why is it important? How might parents and teachers best deal with screaming, threatening, violent children? These will be subjects of today’s blog.
Johnny is 15. He loses his temper very easily. As soon as something, perhaps a mean look or a rude comment, touches a chord of aggression inside him, he gets hot and starts to boil until he suddenly explodes and hits something. Sometimes it’s a door or a wall, but it could also be another teenager.
You may or may not have heard reports on the rise in teenage violence in your country. At least it is the case in Switzerland.
What is the cause of it? How much aggression is normal and acceptable? Where should we intervene, and where should we just let it go? And if we try to make corrections, how must we do that?
Johnny says, "There was a lot of fighting at our house. My father almost never did anything with me. That still bothers me. I know I still have a lot to learn. I would like to keep myself under control. Something that makes me very happy is when I get a present (Love Languages-BLOG) and being with my friends."
Aggression is especially difficult for peace lovers to take (BLOG): "It’s just too much wasted energy! No, no. It’s definitely not worth it to get it under control. "
What does aggression mean?
Sigmund Freud, the originator of psychoanalysis, wrote in a letter to Albert Einstein in 1932: "the slaughter of a foe gratifies an instinctive craving. The theory that aggression is an instinctive craving, or a need, has finally been disproved by modern neurology. The German neurologist Joachim Bauer, calls Freud's theory "the biggest flop of psychoanalysis".
Today, it has been recognized that psychologically healthy people, unless they are somehow provoked, are generally repulsed by the thought of inflicting suffering. Bauer writes that aggression is neither a characteristic nor a need but a reaction to a violation of boundaries. Somehow some threshold of pain must have been crossed.
So in the above example, what makes Johnny aggressive is not only his genes or his education or the media, but it could be a combination of all these things. Genes alone cannot control a person’s behavior. Environment has a much greater influence.
Children who react aggressively are generally very sensitive. (BLOG)
Self-test
After being married for two years, Terri and I took an aggression test. Before we took the test, I knew Terri was going to score high, which she did. Good test! However, when I got my scores, I doubted the accuracy of the test. I would never have expected such high scores. I wanted to understand myself and the subject, so I bought a book on aggression. While the aggression was quickly visible in her, I usually held mine back, because I had learned in the parental home to stow them and to process internally.
Reading the book I learned there’s a positive facet to aggression, which is the vital force. I also figured out that our life together would never be boring and that our communication would always need continual improvement. The more we were able to replace our fears with love, the more peaceful our relationship became.
What Triggers Aggression?
Physical Pain
Physical pain is probably the most obvious trigger for aggression. A person who receives a blow will naturally tend to retaliate. If it is impossible or in some way unwise to get revenge on the one who inflicted the pain, the aggression will be directed at someone or something else. So, if a young child gets picked on by an older one, he or she will pay the debt forward and beat up someone smaller.
The melancholy temperament (BLOG) is especially known for the ability to store aggression from unresolved issues over time and at some point, when the proverbial last straw has been added to the burden, can blow up over what seems to be a relatively small matter.
In sports, aggression is seen as a strength and rewarded as such. It’s a good place to learn to apply it in moderation. Aggression can help one win. It’s a characteristic of traditional society that children and youth learn early. Is that a good thing?
Emotional Pain
The American neuroscientist Naomi Eisenberger discovered that social rejection, disrespect, marginalization or injustice can have the same effect on a person as physical pain. This would explain why sometimes a look is enough to cause Johnny to react so strongly.
The psychological violation of boundaries is everywhere: at school, on the playground, in sports, during free time, at home and at work.
Nothing can replace a loving mother
Children who don’t have a strong relationship with one person they can always depend on, who don’t have someone who really cares about them and has time for them, must somehow come to grips with these facts. Their intellect is not well enough developed that it could help them understand their missing parent(s). However, they DO have feelings with which they must learn to deal in order to survive. No wonder such frustrating circumstances in life lead to aggression. This aggression is seen from the outside, but it is deeply anchored within and molds the life and character of the host that carries it inside.
What a blessing it is when father and mother can carry the responsibility of raising their children together! It’s a huge challenge, but good teamwork is a key that can achieve much good.
Real World vs. Virtual World
Today we know that our brains do not react just to our own experiences of physical and emotional pain, but also when we observe it in others. This, by the way, is not only true in real life but also in virtual life. When children watch movies and videos where physical and emotional pain are inflicted on others, the same reactions are produced inside them. (BLOG)
Does gender make a difference?
When I substitute teach in elementary schools and talk to the teachers, I find they are all in agreement: the language and behavior of children among themselves is much rougher than it used to be. Although many parents seem to keep an eye on their children, they somehow forget about their online activities. That is an area where parents often seem to be helpless (BLOG).
Boys
Boys and young men tend to commit more crimes than girlsand young women. Whenever a youth commits a crime, it is not a weakness of character that is the determining factor in the deed but his personal biography. Low self-esteem (usually transmitted by his mother) or loneliness and isolation are important ingredients.
Other reasons, besides their often high testosterone levels, are that boys generally watch and identify with the more aggressive super hero videos. Feminine heroes are seldom aggressive.
Girls
Girls are actually no more tranquil than guys; they are just as brutal, but verbally. While the boys direct their aggression towards others, girls will tend to keep it inside and hurt themselves. Teenagers with self-inflicted wounds and thoughts of suicide are usually girls. It is interesting to note that their cultural backgrounds are not as influential as their personal history.
Strong pressure is usually met with counter pressure, which manifests itself either as rebellion or resignation. A loving, objective correction, given without aggression and with loving eyes, will help a child much more than an angry one.
Dealing with Aggression
When we experience emotional pain, it is natural to react with some kind of aggression. If one is somehow prevented from doing so, sickness may result. From my experience in marriage counseling, I have learned that often three to five days after a marital conflict occurs, one partner or the other (usually the introverted one) will get sick. This is because quarreling weakens the immune system.
When we allow our frustrations to remain inside and eat on us, the components of our aggression mechanisms remain neuro-biologically charged, which can lead to fear disorders or depression.
In omit light of this information, it would seem beneficial to let one’s aggression out. Right? Where are the limits? They are to be found at the place where one begins to inflict physical or emotional pain on oneself or others.
What is 'normal'?
Norms are determined by the majority. Whatever is done or accepted by the majority is considered normal. However, things that are normal today were not at all normal in the past. Norms change. How much childish aggression should be tolerated?
It is especially important not to intervene too quickly with corrections. If a child feels somewhat neglected, he or she will learn to fish for attention with acts of aggression. If violence fails to yield positive results, the child will not continue to use it. In any event, as long as children’s quarrels are fair, it’s a good idea to let quarrel take their course. If you decide to intervene, you should also explain to the child what was not OK and why. We should also remember not to criticize the child, only his or her behavior. (BLOG)
A- and V-Children
Children who are spoiled or much neglected from their early childhood are sometimes referred to as
“A-children”. The reason for this term is found in the shape of the “A”. It is wide at the bottom, signifying a lack of rules and limits at the beginning. As these children grow older, they are confronted with more and more natural boundaries in society, but because they have not learned to accept any authority outside themselves, they become more and more frustrated with life. They tend to develop more aggression because their natural need for security and safety was not met early on. In extreme cases, they can become a liability to themselves, their families and society. This development is shown in the apex of the "A".
“V-children” on the other hand, are children whose parents laid down clear boundaries and rules for them in the beginning and gave them more and more freedom and responsibilities as they grow older. The feeling of security generated thereby facilitates their positive development, making them a benefit for their surroundings. Later, such parents will reap rewards of praise and thanks for their efforts.
Good eye contact facilitates good communication, makes every situation and process easier to understand and direct. This boy is in the process of controlling his feelings of frustration.
Non-violent Resistance
We know of the concept that pressure calls forth counter pressure. When parents are aggressive, their children will reflect the same traits, because children are like a mirror of their parents.
The idea of non-violent resistance is founded on the complete abstinence from all verbal and physical violence and any actions that would insult or humiliate the aggressive child. Children should experience their parents as competent, determined and loving authorities who are in control of their own feelings and not controlled by them.
Awareness: You as a parent may often feel helpless in the face of violent children, but now you know how to defend yourself. That alone is a great help.
Avoid Escalation: Discussions, preaching, threats and declarations of one’s justice are often wasted energy. When provocations arise, it is best not to react immediately, but rather to try to talk about it later. When parents keep their feelings under control, children’s feelings will not escalate. After all, we are not in a war against the child; we just need to delineate the necessary boundaries.
Warning: Because we love our children, we must give them a warning of the consequences to be expected for certain actions. When a child has heard and understood the warning, he or she can consciously decide what to do or not do. With younger children, the warning is given verbally. With older children, it can sometimes be put into writing. Children who have learned to react positively to warnings have also learned important lessons for the future.
Decision: One strategy that has proven to be very effective is the 'sit-in'. One or both parents will sit with the child in his or her room and, without speaking, quietly await the child’s suggestion as to how to solve the problem. The parent may also have a counseling assistant to help with this process on the telephone. In this way, the child can experience his or her parents as non-violent, strong-willed and wise. This will help him or her to come to a good decision.
Reconciliation: It is especially important to give children signs of our unconditional affection. These can be given in the form of praise or a special activity done together, depending on the child’s love language. (BLOG). In spite of all our efforts toward reconciliation, scars often remain.
Doing fun things together can often help us to overcome difficulties. Knowing we are a family that sticks together through thick and thin makes us strong and happy!
A healthy lifestyle (BLOG) will help you to reach your goals faster and better. Good luck! Enjoy!
